I'm scared.

When I think I'm going to fail math, chinese, history, physics and life science. And let me tell you, it's a real possibility. And when I think of it I just break down. Because the rest of my life is at stake, and I can't keep my mind off that. I get horrible results, my parents will refuse to sign my report book, my mom will probably send me off to boot camp. I can't take this.

I don't think I'll be able to make it through this week. Next week, I mean. Just the thought of my whole life balancing on a few pieces of paper I need to write on in one week. I can't do this.

Hell, at this rate, I'll be happy to get into a Poly.

I keep praying, but it doesn't work. It's never worked anyway.
& she said, you don't know me, you don't even care.
I just wish I could restart this year. Maybe even restart my life. (Or the opposite.)
I just get this feeling that I'm in this alone, but once I don't succeed everything will go against me. I wish someone could help me.

Why am I going through this? Why am I alone? Why must it always end like this?

I'm almost finishing Geography, I've got thirty pages more! (:
And History... I've got 4 chapters left, and that GIANT chapter 9. Garr.

So I'm back blogging and I've just realised how disgusting this skin is [the flowery one]. So no fear -- I shall change the skin. Now. I'll start on one now. So toodles!

(Can't wait for the EOYs to poof away.)

I've studied for two of my four planned hours today, and I've only just finished History chapter 5. Which makes me wonder how freaky people like Julia can do two chapters in 1 and a half hours. And I even tried to speed-study. But I slacked for like twenty minutes because I went to the toilet to poo. (: And I just stayed there for a long time.

Anyway.

Today's podcasting was truly horrid. Again I got irritated at the noise level, sigh, typical me. So I was a bit irritable. And my Mac had just so many problems. But I learnt how to change the background pic by myself, and omg it was SO fun watching it change every 5 seconds. So cool, too.

And whoa. One of my quite-recent skins has made Skin of the Day at Blogskins.com! I'm quite pleasantly surprised and I only just noticed, like, yesterday, though it was the 24th of September's SOTD. And the number of downloads just shot up from 30+ during recess to 101 now.

Shocking.

Hahaha. Oh and good news for Sandra and Jiani! I finally cut my fingernails, yay. A few weeks ago I tried to cut them but I literally broke the nailclipper. The lever-thingy you press down? Yeah, it snapped clean off. So either I've got nice strong Mr. Incredible nails or the clipper has the same mass of a tissue paper. (:

And today Cara and I talked about work. Not schoolwork, but WORK WORK. Heh. And we're planning to work together! And we had quite a few laughs imagining ourselves working as waitresses at the American Club. But I bet it's gotta be fun. And not to mention the money -- I'd dave up for my beloved camera, Zen Microphoto and MacBook. Oh yeah update about the Zen Microphoto idea! Cara says it's really nice so... yay. And it's kind of cheap, too, like 300+? Which I can earn after about a month of work. I've decided to get the white. Because if I get green then it's like, it won't match the blue button-light-thingies and what if the background pic doesn't match the green? Haha so yeah. I'm getting the white. (:

Maybe it's not killing me so much to know how many things I really want. Because it's like... do I REALLY want a new wallet? No. New schoolbag? No. New pencilcase? No. New jeans? Yes, and my mom's getting them for me already. The camera, mp3 player and the MacBook? Yes. I'll work for myself.

And so after all that I've kind of calmed down. Heh.

Oh and anyway! Cara found this totally cute song called Swords, Dragons and Diet Coke, which I find is hilarious. So I'm probably going to make a skin on that... in the long run. Maybe.
Okay. Maybe not.

(I hate the scab in my ear, eww-ouch.)

I can't wait for the EOYs to be over. And I still cannot, for the life of me, understand why I have to be born in October.

Did I spell October correctly? Ahhh. See, my mind's screwed up now. Because I'm trying to force a bit of knowledge into my rotting brain cells. Not good for my health okay.

Garr, today's History test is an almost-definite FAIL. I can tell. Because I didn't finish the hypothetical question. And I hate Annie now. She made me do badly for History!

So I'm being quite random now. Who cares?

And I can't wait to plan that thing with Cara Max and Ting, the one where we book a hotel room and shop at Chinatown. I've been wanting to go to Chinatown for ages (omg, surprise right, I'm so anti-Chinese and here I am wanting to go to Chinatown.) to look at cheongsams. Hee. And I'm thinking of buying a cheongsam too! To wear for Chinese New Year next year (: Oh, my aunts will be SO proud of me. Actually all they can say to me is "Oh my God, you're getting taller" which is a good thing, though not the "God" part, and "are you sure you're not in long jump? Your legs are soooo long!" Then they'll start talking in Hokkien, I think, about how skinny I am and how fat they are and pointing at my legs and their legs and comparing my height with their height (I'm taller than them). Which is all the attention I get, anyway. Other than that they don't talk much to me because I can't speak Hokkien.

I know a bit of Teochew though. I think it's called Teochew. I'm not sure.

I wish I could study in Australia, I find it so cool that there's winter and summer the opposite way around and I just totally LOVE the idea of a Summer CCA and a Winter CCA. I mean how cool is that? If there is, I would take something like... Rhythmic Gym and Ice Hockey. Hey~~, it'd be cool to learn ice hockey! Yay. So fun. But the thing is, I can't ice-skate. I can only Hockey. Hahaha. On-purpose-broken-English.

On a different topic, though. I think I'm getting insomnia. For the past three nights I've been very restless and I don't even know if I actually slept late night. It's a funny feeling.

Oh, yeah. I suddenly remembered I was talking about what I'm going to do after (argh!) EOY's. I might earn my camera at last. And I've just realised that no matter how much I crave for an iPod I shouldn't get one because I won't be able to download music for free. I'll need CDs and all that. Which is quite... difficult. Heh. But anyway - Creative players aren't that bad. It's just the one I have that's quite bad. Zen Neeon, all style, no substance. Blah. *a few minutes of searching* OMG. I have found Zen Neeon 2! It's a quite-late model, funny how I haven't heard of it. It's still lousy though, the scrolling button especially. I shan't yearn for it. *searches for ten more minutes* Okay, I've found what I want. Either a Zen Microphoto or a Zen Vision: M. *compares* Okay, I've set my sights on the Microphoto. (: And the TravelDock Zen Micro speaker cum charger. Why must I be so greedy?!

Garr, Cara's getting an iPod Nano. I shall not be jealous. I shall not be jealous.
Heyy~~~, I just had a brill idea which is very greedy and will probably backfire anyway. I actually thought of asking Cara Neo to GIVE ME her Zen. Omg, I feel so lame. Like I bet it'll just be passed on to her brother or sister or something. Oh wells.

Looks like I've gotta work for it, together with the camera. Camera first, at any rate. I do hope my dad buys it for me at the end of this year, it does really save a lot of my time.

Anyway, it's getting quite late. Maybe I should try to see if I really do have insomnia. (: Well, toodles. With a heavy heart, knowing that the exam's next week, I'm slacking, and I can't get what I want.

I love life.

a long time ago,
we used to be friends but i
haven't thought of you lately.

It all started with a banana.

It sounds comical but it's not.

My mother was born to destroy.
She comes back from her little "afternoon party" and it turns out that Darling Alex has eaten a bloody banana already but I haven't. Notice the lack of the word "Darling" next to "I". So I say wait, after this game, I just started and she's like, "Just started? How long have you been playing already?"

Which really made something inside me just explode. Why is it that everybody just assumes I'm playing the whole day long? You think I have it easy? Doesn't it occur to you that it's just an act? Possibly?

On my way to the kitchen Darling Alex stops me and asks me to get a banana for him, too. Great, so he's happily eating two when I'm almost puking over one. And my mom's all, "Oh, Alex, good boy, took two bananas!" And in my mind all I'm thinking, "Fcuk you, stupid ass. How dense are you?"

So I'm really very incensed and I go back on the com. My dad comes home a few minutes later and he asks what I'm so broody about. I really want to tell him? But my brother's in the same room as me and I know it would be suicide to say anything against him. So I just told my dad that it was eating the banana that was ticking me off. I could actually feel something in me seething.

One day I just might snap. Do you know how it feels like to be the unpampered child? Obviously my mom just wants me to be a female replica of my freak brother, which is impossible. And I can't stand it. I rant about this sometimes, but this time I can't stand it so much I'm going to record it in this post.

And then I feel very very depressed because I couldn't tell my dad the truth and gawd, I've got a spinal check tomorrow morning. my spine is ruining my life.

I'm going to fail my exams bigtime and my mother will hate me forever and send me to the stupid Adam Khoo camp, god, she's ruining my life. I won't have a future and I'll stay back in Secondary 2. I can't stand this anymore, really I can't. I could die of this madness.

I think I'm being stupid everytime I cry like this. It doesn't make anything better and all I do is increase the risk of soaking the keyboard. After all, when i laugh the whole world laughs with me. when i cry i cry alone. Why can't I just have a normal life? A life where I can be genuinely happy?

My scissors isn't sharp enough. Rusted because of my tears? Maybe.

Okay, I've said this probably more than a hundred times but... new skin.

And NO, there is no more tagboard. Number One because rarely anybody tags and Number Two I've suddenly realised that... most people who DON'T tag *coughSARAHcough* are the ones who read. I mean, it's like, argh. Nevermind. If you really want to read then I shan't FORCE you to tag.

The main purpose of a blog is lost in all its fanciness.
Yeesh, progress.

You probably don't know what I'm talking about. Honestly, I don't, either.

Oh, which reminds me. I'm supposed to be working now. But oh wells. I've already done, um, an hour. *Sigh* I've finally finished Chapter 3 of History. Yes, laugh all you want. And I haven't officially started on Geog yet, either.

Laugh harder. I've decided um not to care? I mean like duh, not to not care about my exams but not to care about how far behind I am. Okay, I'm not making any sense.

I'm really bored now because there's something wrong with Maple. Oh well. Not that I care, but it really DOES make me very, very bored.

Sigh. I should go eat some cookies! Yay. Even though it's quite late already. My metabolism is probably still going strong (hell, I'm ready to bet it gets stronger when I sleep) so no fear. (:

Omg. What if one day I wake up and realise how fat I've become? Ew, gross. I mean, seriously. I obviously have never felt what it feels like to be fat (not that I want to) and I'm figuring it's kind of gross and I'll feel slow and un-nimble. Maybe. Gosh, my thoughts are so depressing.

I had a funny dream last night. I can't really remember it, but I remember it had a funny feel to it. Almost sepia mood but it had that slight I-like-a-guy sort of feeling. And it's seriously puzzling me? Because I don't really think I like that guy. Maybe.

OKAY CHANGE OF SUBJECT!

I really hope I can do well in the exams. I'm really trying to push myself (yeah, snicker all you want, I'm feeling guilty now) to really go and STUDY now but I can't. My brain switches off, like, after 9? I know, bad for the working world. Sigh.

I'm missing something. I don't mean this in an emo way. It's just that... I kind of wanted that but I got this instead, and I don't think I like it very much. As in, I feel very, very, VERY left out. If only _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I should change. But it's too late, it's going and quite likely gone.

Anyway, this post shall end suddenly, violently and abruptly. NOW. Because I'm still looking for songs to put on my Playlist! (: Which, in case you didn't know, replaces the tagboard link.

Tata.

I HAVE FINALLY MADE A BLOGSKIN WORTH SUBMITTING!
And so I have. (: Crash Collision is its name. Yay. And I guess I'll make another skin AFTER the exams to replace this crappy ten-minute one. Eeee. Just looking at it makes me half sick. Or maybe three-quarters sick.

Today was like the funnest? No actually it was a GOOD day, because math test went really well and because I didn't hate the Peranakan food. In fact I actually loved it, until Cara dropped an ice cube into the fish curry. Phooey. But I read The Sick Fanfic again and my mood went to the max. And I felt so happy! I mean not that Sick Stuff powers me, but it's so freaking funny I can't help but go EW and start giggling. Giggling! Avril, giggle. Somehow that doesn't really go together.

And I notice I'm still skimming the "neat and fresh" look sort of blogskin. I should go deeper, like Cara's skin. But even deeper, because Cara's skin is monotone and now when I look at it it's actually kind of ugly. To me. (Shhh! Don't tell Cara)

Physics test tomorrow, and as usual I'm slacking. I've only done two hours of studying today instead of the planned four! Like sheeet. I REALLY don't want to lag behind. And the two hours was spent on Physics. Geesh. I mean, it was really for History or Geog or something. But nowadays it's dedicated to a subject that has a test coming or math, which I'm still struggling to (but WILL) finish.

I can't stand it. In three weeks, the exams will be over. This time next month, I'll be SLACKING. I try not to think about it, but I can't. It's too irresistible (sp?). For me, anyway. GRARGH! This is killing me. To know that all this suffering will end soon. SOON. SOON.

...Sob. [this is the part where you're supposed to comfort me]